


Too late

by justK



Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M, almost, impossible love, lots of feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-10-29 09:40:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17805623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justK/pseuds/justK
Summary: The right person, the wrong timethe right script, the wrong linethe right poem, the wrong rhymeand a piece of you, that was never mine.





	Too late

**Author's Note:**

> As always, not a native English speaker, I apologise for any mistakes I may have.

Kyuhyun liked to think that there were no regrets in life, that he really could not regret something that at some point had been so desired or that at some point had brought him so much happiness. It had always seemed difficult to him, even if sometimes he found himself questioning it, thinking if he regretted that or that other thing and although in certain aspects he could not help thinking 'I wish it had been this other way', it did not seem enough to admit completely that he regretted it, because then he thought about how happy he had been at that moment and how much he had liked it or wanted it and then all doubt was dissipated; after all, he could not imagine any event happening in any other way.

But now, he doubted. That, in which he had a firm belief, seemed to vacillate, not having enough proof to refute regret now. There was nothing—and there would not be—that would make him stop feeling guilty, stop the growing lament inside him.

And he knew that it was all his fault. He could not really point to anyone else or let the consequences fall on anyone else. He could not lie to himself, even if it had been the easiest thing, what a coward would have done. _But no._  He had spent too much time being a coward and had learned many things during that time and certainly accepting the consequences of his own actions, was one of them.

He stood up, leaving the couch he had been sitting on and went to the bathroom, looking to cool off a bit. He opened the door, turned on the light and after closing the door behind him, he looked up to find his reflection in the mirror on the sink right in front of him.

He had never been able to admit himself handsome; after all, he did not possess the attributes that Siwon had, one of the most handsome men he had ever known and could admit without any shame, it was no secret to anyone that if on camera he looked sculptural, in person he was damn perfect; neither did he assimilate a bit to Donghae's beauty, a strange but perfect balance between sexy and cute; but he could at least be called attractive enough.

Unfortunately at that time there was no trace of the ideal beauty that he possessed. His face looked paler than usual, almost like a transparent sheet or the essence of a ghost, except for the area under his eyes, where marked dark circles were painted scandalous of a shade between grayish and pink violet, that was always the way in which his eye bags appeared due to his whitish skin tone; his eyes did not possess the same energy of the everyday life, that funny, lively and tenacious, yet cold, mysterious and calculating gaze, now was one full of sadness and melancholy, regret and stormy thoughts; his hair was not even properly combed, it fell in different directions reflecting his vain attempt to comb it in the morning and the several times his hands had gone through his chestnut locks throughout the day.

In spite of everything, Kyuhyun could distinguish a clue from his usual 'me' to which he clung to face the world looking not to raise suspicions among his members to not worry them, but above all, to avoid giving explanations. He adorned that vague, barely visible track of his being with proper clothes, despite not being motivated at all to worry about his appearance, but to show himself dejected and depressed would only bring afloat the current deplorable state he was in and that could not happen in any way.

He opened the faucet and let run just enough water to wet his hands and bring some of it to his face, soaking it in the refreshing liquid and washing away a little the incessant thoughts of his mind. He took some paper to dry the excess water and then threw it in the trash. He took one last look at his reflection and forced himself to be satisfied with the small improvement he felt now.

Sighing deeply, he straightened up and hurried out of the bathroom to join his bandmates again, who were still scattered in the living room and kitchen being their usual happy selves, almost unaware of his brief absence. He went to the kitchen to sit at the bar and eat a little of whatever there was to eat, he took out his phone and began to dig into his photos, not having anything more interesting to do.

A melodious laugh interrupted him, causing him to shoot his gaze in the direction of the person who had emitted that laughter. He had always thought that _his_ laughter was one of the best things he had heard in life: strong, free, a little noisy and yet so harmonious. He smiled a little more for the others than for himself, to give the illusion that he was having fun like the rest and because the sound of that voice made him smile unconsciously most of the time, but he could not give a smile a hundred percent real because it was _someone else_ who was causing that laugh, not him. And it hurted him.

It was Hyukjae who had made _him_ laugh. He stirred annoyed in his chair, more irritated at not being able to do the same than angry with his hyung, he could not be mad at Hyukjae, especially after having missed him so much because of his military service. That was rather the reason why they were all reunited, it was not as if they did not live practically glued to each other, but normally everyone had different activities to attend to, other people to go out with and most of the time not all of them could meet at the same time. But this time not only Hyukjae had gotten a day off, but also Donghee, Donghae and Sungmin and it was something that could not be wasted. Then, as a result, Hyukjae was bothering him as always, stealing a sweet laugh, something that only—selfish, he knew—Kyuhyun wanted to do.

His hair fell in loose strands not so carefree on his forehead reaching almost his eyes, a couple of accessories hung gladly from his ears framing his face and matching perfectly with his outfit, and, what he loved most, his eyes closed almost completely creating small genuine wrinkles on the edges showing a cheerful expression as his lips curled into a smile showing his perfect teeth.

A twinge of pain crossed his chest. _What had he done wrong to not deserve him?_ He knew the answer, he just did not want to admit it. He had done many things wrong and recognised each and every one of them, but that did not stop the question from crossing his mind. It hurt to have lost him, but more than anything it hurt to have caused him pain. _To Jongwoon._  The person he loved the most in the world.

He dropped his head, defeated. Before the eyes of the others, it only seemed as if he had bent down to continue digging in his phone and more or less that way it had been.

A picture with Jongwoon was waiting for him on the screen, one of the many he had with him before everything went to hell. They were standing, side by side, with barely enough space between their torsos to let the air pass, one of his arms passed around Jongwoon's waist as if he did not want to let go, while Jongwoon's passed through Kyuhyun's back. One could see the difference in height and how Kyuhyun was leaning slightly towards the other man. Both smiled so widely that, as Jungsoo once said, it could only be described as _'the true representation of genuine happiness'._

And how he loved that. How he longed to be the one to give him the best hugs, how he liked to do everything to see him happy and calm, how he enjoyed being the cause of his anger after annoying him for hours, and above all, how he loved being the reason of Jongwoon's happiness.

However, with everything he had made him feel lately, of course he felt like the worst human being in the universe, because if what he loved the most was seeing _him_ happy, he definitely had not done it at all after the last events.

He still remembered when he had entered Super Junior's dorms for the first time. How Jongwoon had been in the first one he had laid his eyes on, _how he had not been able to stop staring at him... nor Jongwoon at him._ He remembered how their relationship gradually grew with both refusing to get along completely well from the start, despite having shared a bedroom for a few months, but how with a little time they had managed to engage in a decent conversation first, then jokes, secrets and lastly, a friendship. He remembered how their personalities clashed at first because Jongwoon was an easy person to bother and Kyuhyun was a person who loved to do it. That's how Kyuhyun realised how much he liked to make Jongwoon angry, how he thought it to be the most beautiful and entertaining thing in the world, because even though Jongwoon got upset quickly, he never really did it completely.

One of the most special things he had in his memory was that time they were in their practice room, shortly after joining the group, doing nonsense as they usually do, that Heechul had had the great idea of dancing in couples, just because they could. Surprisingly (or maybe not so much), he had been paired up with Jongwoon. And the moment he touched his hand and looked into his eyes, he swore to feel that mythical current that runs from head to toe when you meet the right person, but he did not move away from his touch, much less looked away from him, too enthralled by his hyung to turn away. At that moment he did not think Jongwoon had felt the same as him, although deep down he believed it and more than anything, he longed for it.

 _“What are you doing, Kyuhyunnie?”_ He remembered that Jongwoon asked that time they were sitting bored in a couch and he had taken a pen with the intention of making a small drawing on Jongwoon's forearm.

 _“I'm drawing,”_ he had simply replied.

_“And what is it that you're drawing?” The older one inquired, sounding curious, moving his head to get a better view of what his dongsaeng was doing._

Kyuhyun remembered having moved his arm to prevent Jongwoon from seeing his little work of art, before replying: _“It's a surprise.”_

_Jongwoon then stopped trying to see what the boy was trying to do, dropping into the couch and enjoying Kyuhyun's somehow rough touch on his arm, also letting him have his fun. Jongwoon liked it when Kyuhyun had fun._

_“Are you done?” He asked after a few minutes._

_“Yes,” Kyuhyun replied, letting go of his arm and pulling away with a smile. Jongwoon had smiled unconsciously, even without having seen the drawing, causing something inside the maknae to move wild. Then he looked down to find a tender little turtle enclosed in a heart._

_“Oh, Kyuhyun, it's so pretty!” He exclaimed, smiling even more._

Kyuhyun did not like to admit that he had a sensitive side, much less liked to show it. That's why he hid behind his cold and reckless personality most of the time, although the other half of his life was spent laughing and playing with his hyungs. However, there was a small fragment of his life, one external to everything else, that was genuinely cute, sensitive, attentive. And that side only came out when he was with Jongwoon.

Even today he wondered why he had lacked courage to speak, to say everything that lay within him, to confess to Jongwoon directly how he felt. I mean, he knew that he liked his hyung and it was impossible not to realise that Jongwoon liked him back, but it was a mystery why neither of them had ever taken that step forward, he knew that the others were wondering it too, but he could never solve their doubts if he did not even have an answer himself.

He should have thanked Heechul for intruding at the time, instead of being mad at him.

_“What are you looking at?” Heechul had asked after having caught him staring at Jongwoon during one of their many practices while Jongwoon rehearsed the parts of the choreography that seemed more difficult with Hyukjae._

_“Nothing.” Kyuhyun denied immediately, looking away from the being that caught his attention way too much._

_“It's nice, don't you think? Wanting someone,” Heechul said with a burlesque smile characteristic of him, what had not been usual was the way he was talking and the subject he was approaching._

_“Sure,” he replied dismissively, turning his gaze discreetly to the front in search of Jongwoon._

_“Just a suggestion,” Heechul murmured, “close your mouth the next time you see Jongwoonnie, there are flies.” And with that he had stood up and retired, leaving Kyuhyun angry at his discovery._

Or maybe he should have listened to Siwon instead of shaking his suggestions off.

_“Why don't you use the next free day to go out with him?” He questioned. “I do not mean in a strictly romantic way, but only to spend time together.”_

_Kyuhyun had shaken his head, disinterested._

_“I'm not saying you declare yourself there, you don't even need to tell him what you feel,” Siwon continued. “Just, make an effort to be together.”_

_But Kyuhyun did not hear it._

Maybe he could even have accepted the help Donghae offered him by talking to Jongwoon about him.

_“I do not think it's a good idea, hyung,” Kyuhyun argued._

_“It can be. I will bring up the subject subtly, if what you have is any doubt as to whether he loves you in the same way,” little fish, Donghae, replied. “Although I think we all know he does.”_

_“It will seem too obvious.”_

_“I promise you it will not, I will not make it sound like that. If I see that it is not proper to bring up the subject, I will not do it, otherwise, I will do it delicately. Come on, it's just to encourage you to say what you feel, you can be together.”_

_After meditating a few seconds, Kyuhyun had replied: “I think it is not the best idea. But thank you very much hyung for wanting to help.”_

_Donghae had simply shrugged, disappointed._

But he had been so stubborn, he never allowed any of that to happen.

He felt the undeniable need to hit himself or hit something, whatever. He closed his hands in tight fists and shifted tense instead. Then Hyukjae left his place next to Jongwoon and went to the kitchen counter with the intention of eating a slice of the cake that Jongwoon had brought. Kyuhyun absently observed all the movements of his hyung, not really paying attention. Hyukjae watched him out of the corner of his eye as he placed the piece of cake on a plate, dropped the silverware inside the box of the delicious cake and put his hands in front of him dryly, leaning on the cold marble. Kyuhyun looked up from the plate and placed his eyes on his friend instead, noting the confrontational position that Hyukjae had adopted.

“What?” Kyuhyun muttered.

“Oh, nothing,” he denied sarcastically. “I'd just like to know what you're doing here looking pathetic instead of, at least, gathering the courage to get close to him.”

So his pathetic self had been noticed anyway, his attempts to look normal had been in vain. He turned his head, offended, looking away from the temporary soldier and looking at whatever but him.

“You can not go on like this, we're still Super Junior, we're still a team and we certainly are not if you refuse each other.” Kyuhyun shook his head and gave a slight grunt. “He also wants to talk to you and no matter how much you doubt it, he misses you,” that had definitely caught his attention. “Take advantage of the fact that I am talking to you at this moment, Jungsoo is reaching his limit and he soon is going to be getting his hands on your affairs. I'm giving you a chance before you really have to be forced to talk and everything goes even more to shit.”

Kyuhyun stared harshly at Hyukjae for a couple of seconds and as always his stare had a menacing effect, although that was not really his intention at the time. Something that was both, a quality and a defect was his stare; hard, penetrating and heavy, very heavy. He turned his eyes to the place where Jongwoon was in an couch with Donghae being cute between him and Donghee. Kyuhyun would always think that, despite being himself the maknae and Ryeowook being nicknamed the 'eternal maknae', it was Donghae who was truly an eternal child, a baby trapped in the body of a man.

Jongwoon, oh, _his Jongwoon,_  was playing with Donghae laughing and touching with his index finger the upper part of the little fish's lips. It had always been strange Jongwoon's taste to touch philtrums, but he liked it and missed it. He missed his closeness and to feel his hands on him, in any way. He remembered how every time Jongwoon put his finger to touch his philtrum or vice versa, he used to feel a huge desire to kiss him, to simply shorten the distance and bring their lips together in a tender and brief kiss, he did not need anything else, he just wanted a small sample of affection. But again, it never could be.

He met his dark orbs when Jongwoon stopped laughing and playing for a brief moment with Donghae, then Kyuhyun felt drained of all thought, his lips parted and the air escaped his lungs. Jongwoon simply observed him, motionless and slightly tense, Kyuhyun could determine it after having known him for so many years. He watched him blink incredulously a couple of times and then tilt his head just enough to give him the appearance of a lost puppy, curious before him, as if questioning what Kyuhyun was thinking, why was it that he was looking at him. Of course, Kyuhyun could not respond to him even though inside he shouted: 'listen to me', 'give me a chance', _'forgive me please'._

The next day they were forced to say goodbye to their four companions, after having spent a day and a night of the most pleasant, reviving a bit an aspect of the old days. They had stayed awake until very late, all trying to sleep somewhere in the room, in the couches or in makeshift beds on the floor, not caring anything but that moment and the happiness they felt. They had talked until the late hours of the night, finding it difficult to fall into sleep as they were dying of laughter at the silly comments of one or the other member made, although those comments would not have been so funny at any other time of the day. It was true that everything was a thousand times more fun with several friends trying to sleep in the same room. And how he had missed that.

And he would miss it once more, as well as his friends who, over an hour ago, had retired to return to their respective services, leaving the few members that remained a little drained from the joy of the previous day.

He remembered the time Jongwoon had enlisted for his mandatory service and how much it had hurt when Jongwoon had asked for a hug and how his heart broke at having to say goodbye to him for a good two years, although he could keep a little contact with him and could see him once every certain time thanks to his free days. But that was not enough, saying goodbye to him meant saying goodbye to their moments, to being able to sit down every day to talk, to be able to say good night and occasionally jump into his bed looking to cuddle with him; it meant no more going out together with the rest of the members, no more nights doing absolutely nothing, no more movie afternoons (or nights); it meant saying goodbye to his feelings, to that incessant pounding of his heart against his ribs, to that beautiful warmth that enveloped him every time he was with him. It meant saying goodbye to his love. Even if it was not definitively.

I think Kyuhyun was a very impatient person, because when Jongwoon left he began to feel anxious. He never lost contact with him, but he began to lose hope a little bit, it seemed that those two years would be eternal and he regretted not having said anything before he left, so at least Jongwoon would have left with an idea of his feelings and would have come back ready to, perhaps, start something with him.

 _That would have been ideal_ , he thought. But he could never make his mouth articulate the words he wanted to say so much.

That is why he found himself slowly courting someone else, in a failed and reckless attempt to do something with his life, to get rid of his anxiety, to compensate with someone what he had not been able to do with Jongwoon.

The smartest thing would have been, of course, simply to wait and trust that everything would work out in the end, but what force drove him to do the opposite? He did not know it. All he knew was that at some point in the first months of Jongwoon's absence, Kyuhyun had begun to be attracted to Sungmin. No way with the same intensity as with Jongwoon, never with the same sincerity or with the same purity. No. He had liked Sungmin because he was less inhibited than Jongwoon was, because he gave him more entrance and because he had nothing more entertaining to do at the time. It never meant that he played with Sungmin though, because his brief attraction to him was real and he really loved him too much as his groupmate to even dare to see him as a distraction from the truly transcendent.

It was only after almost a couple years that he had realised how he had confused his feelings. He noticed Sungmin's attentions and distinguished the simple longing to feel desired that he had previously confused with genuine love.

The peak of it all that was when Sungmin told him bluntly that he liked him. Kyuhyun had not known how to react at the time, but a part of his mind told him not to miss the opportunity and by hazards of fate had decided to heed that suggestion, so that, a few days later he found himself sharing kisses and caresses with his hyung without caring about the integrity of his group, just being momentarily happy... or so he thought.

Nobody had dared to tell them anything, they all acted like ghost spectators, except for Siwon who was always there for him, trying repeatedly to make him come to his senses by saying how many things about Jongwoon, like how much it would hurt him to find out about his relationship and how undoubtedly, it would take him away from him; he also told him that Sungmin did not really want him and not because he was a bad friend, but because he could tell it, the only thing they felt for each other was mere physical attraction and frustration.

Kyuhyun understood what Siwon was referring to when one day Sungmin had entered a restaurant, where the present members of Super Junior were going to eat, hand in hand with a girl. Kyuhyun had not had the faculty or power to protest at the time, because their relationship from the beginning had been a constant push and pull, something not formal enough, they broke up and returned more times than they would like to admit. Just that time, it had been close to the eighth time they had broke up and Kyuhyun was not in a position of claim.

From then on, everything was in a tailspin. Kyuhyun was alone. With Sungmin occasionally tormenting him and Jongwoon definitely hating him, because although he did not know if Jongwoon was aware of his brief history with Sungmin, he would end up hating him anyway. And yes. Sungmin left him definitely after a while, completely dedicating himself to the beautiful woman he had as a girlfriend and Kyuhyun found himself unable to be angry, his feelings for Sungmin had not become deep enough to kill him, they only hurted him, more than anything his pride. They stayed as good friends. _As if nothing had happened._

That part of his life had been completely repaired and he could only feel an ephemeral relief that lasted only a few moments, because later he realised that his relationship with Jongwoon, far from being good, had drastically declined, as if thrown by a precipice.

When his favorite hyung returned from his service, he did not know how to react, he remained blank for a couple of days, almost without looking at him. But he was happy, he could swear by the most precious thing in the world.

It was so much the shock that he felt thet he found himself unable to welcome him properly and mentally of course he slapped himself in the worst way, recriminating himself. But by the third day, he had gathered the courage to approach him and wrap him in the best of hugs and to his surprise _Jongwoon had embraced him back._  Maybe, just maybe, he did not know what had happened in his absence and he reached out to hold that very thin rope of hope and clung to it with all his being.

He fell abruptly into a harsh reality when Jongwoon gave him the most melancholic smile in the world and the saddest look one day that he had seen him talking to Sungmin. They had not been doing anything at all, for months they had finished with whatever they had had, they were just approaching the topic one last time for Sungmin's peace of mind, since he was worried about Jongwoon. They had embraced and Jongwoon had seen it, but from the look he gave them, Kyuhyun could tell that Jongwoon knew that there had been much more beyond that embrace.

Kyuhyun felt his world plummet and he can say that it is the most horrible and painful thing he has ever felt. It crumbled when Jongwoon began to walk away from him, to refuse his presence in almost every aspect. But he could not blame him, after all he knew what he had done wrong and from that moment on he doubted the philosophy he had carried all his life. _Regret does exist_ _and,_ God _, how it hurts._

_“Can we talk?”_

That had been the first message he had written on the subject, not daring to ask in person.

Jongwoon had not responded.

_“Jongwoon, please”_

_Still no response._

_“I know I screwed it up, I'm sorry, please just listen to me.”_

_And to his surprise Jongwoon agreed with a simple “ok”, it was not in any way too much, but it was more than enough for him._

_He found himself waiting outside the building where all the members went to get their hair appointments, Jongwoon had had one just that morning and when he came out he faced a Kyuhyun with a sad expression, a downcast posture and hands in the pockets of his coat, too distressed. But Jongwoon had acted calmly._

_“What do you want to talk about?” Questioned the now raven haired boy._

_“About what happened.”_

_“And what is that exactly?”_

_He could not blame Jongwoon for making it complicated, he was in his right and Kyuhyun deserved that and more._

_“I messed everything up, I know,” he admitted with his head down. “Would you forgive? I miss you so much.”_

_Jongwoon then gave him the most heartbreaking, almost empty look. He knew then that he could not earn his total forgiveness and that he had hurt him more than he could have endured._

_“Everything okay with Sungmin?” Jongwoon replied ignoring his plea and surprising Kyuhyun under his breath._

_“Yes,” he murmured, barely audible, having trouble finding his voice. “But it's not him whom I want, is you.”_

_“You and I are good friends,” Kyuhyun's heart threatened to break at his words. “And I miss you too, of course we can go back to normal.”_

_He embellished his pain with a smile, the most sincere and the most false one he had ever shown in his life. He nodded against his will and opened his arms inviting Jongwoon to a warm embrace. He did not dare to refute his words, again silence taking over both, preventing them from telling themselves once again what they felt._

Kyuhyun had silenced everything after that event, he did not dare to bring his feelings afloat, he just felt satisfied with their reinforced friendship. Everything seemed to have returned to normal, they played, they talked and they smiled together again. And each and every time Kyuhyun made sure to profess the love he felt for him, without speaking, only making him feel loved.

It had been a mistake, he knew. He could not treat him like he had done at the beginning, Jongwoon knew it too. Inevitably, there was a moment when he left Jongwoon again, distracting himself with trivial things like new people attracted to him. Despite never having felt handsome or beautiful, he did have some people behind him and he meant 'people’ because it was not limited to members of only one sex.

That pushed Jongwoon away again and the same story was repeated a couple of times in which Kyuhyun ran back to him asking for forgiveness, looking to re-establish ties in any way, always finding an excuse to return and he knew it was wrong, because he only managed to hurt that beautiful being he loved so much.

So after the last time that they walked away, Kyuhyun decided not to come back and did his best not to change his mind this time, although he knew it required a lot of willpower to be able to do it. He did not want to hurt him anymore, he knew that he had been the cause of Jongwoon's many pains, sufferings and tears even if he did not have proof. It was like that affection that he professed so much: _even though they never said it to each other, they knew._

And now he was back to his current situation.

Just then Jongwoon left his room walking towards the kitchen, with his hair completely messy and only wearing a white shirt with gray pants, nothing too elaborate. The rest of the members had returned to their temporary quarters and their friends had returned to their services.

Maybe he should take advantage of the fact that they were together as in their first days and that right then there was no one outside their rooms, other than him in the living room and Jongwoon in the kitchen preparing a cup of coffee. But Jongwoon was faster and before Kyuhyun could convince himself to approach, the raven had turned around with the cup in his hands and looked directly at him.

“We need to talk.”

Kyuhyun heard the words as if he was receiving a couple of bullets, so abrupt and direct.

“About what?” He wet his sudden dry lips a little.

“Everything.”

For once, he tried to go on the same line: “You're right.”

Thus, they met that same night alone to discuss everything they had not said at the time.

It was weird in the first place, because they did not think about coming back, they had spent separate lives for so long, that it was eccentric to speak again.

“Well,” Kyuhyun began. “You can ask whatever you want.” The silence lasted a few minutes, in which Jongwoon looked at him, analysing to the depths of his soul because that was the way Jongwoon's gaze was, too deep and intelligent, to a certain extent selfish because it seemed to know all your secrets, but always sensitive. “I will answer honestly,” he added to his silence.

“I want to know everything,” Jongwoon declared after putting his ideas in order. “And I mean every little thing, from how it started, what you felt, what you feel, what you think, why you liked me, since when…”

Kyuhyun looked down, distressed. He had the answer to every question, but he did not know how to answer. He had to force himself to at least try to give a fairly decent idea.

“Well, I think we both know that everything started during our first years. I do not really remember having a relationship in those times because the truth was that I felt really comfortable talking to you and gradually that grew and became something more…” He paused. “The day you left and asked for a hug, I felt very so sad, because the boy with whom I had connected the most was leaving. Fortunately, it was given the fact of continuing to speak and the fact that there was still a Super Junior for you to return to after your service, because want it or not, is always an uncertainty. But I screwed it, as only I can,” he dared to look up from the crestfallen position he had adopted, afraid of meeting Jongwoon's beautiful face. “I guess you already know what happened.”

Jongwoon nodded.

“ _Yes, I know_.”

He had always been captivated by that voice, only _his_ voice could make him feel endless emotions, like an explosion inside him that felt so damn good. He liked the depth he possessed and how serious it was; he liked when he spoke or when he sang. Every damn sound that came out of his mouth was music to his ears.

But those three simple words had had a completely different impact, not only because of the pain they reflected, but because of the torture that they made him go through when thinking about the evil he had caused his precious hyung.

“I think I got desperate,” he admitted. “I started liking Sungmin and I did not know what to do, but he told me that he liked me too and you never did, so I decided to give myself a chance and things ended up sort of working out, not in the best way, as you may have heard. I think it was not meant to endure. I honestly never knew how to tell you.”

“And at least you considered telling me?”

“Of course I did, but I did not know how _and time won_.”

It was Jongwoon's turn to lower his head, defeated. Kyuhyun could feel the impact his last words had on him.

“I liked you, Kyuhyun,” he murmured at last, making Kyuhyun feel a painful pressure in his chest. “I tried to let you know many times and I also thought about telling you, but with you I just got stuck and I could never do it.”

So that was it. At last he now knew what Jongwoon felt for him at the present time and unfortunately it was not the same as it was years ago. _He had arrived too late_.

“What did you like about me?” It was the next question that Jongwoon asked.

Kyuhyun was quick to respond: “Your eyes, always. They made me nervous.” _They make me nervous._

Jongwoon batted his lashes in disbelief and ashamed as he dropped his head and his gaze into his hands, depriving Kyuhyun of such a beautiful sight.

“Do you still feel something for me?” Kyuhyun dared to ask, not wanting to miss the opportunity that had finally been created.

Jongwoon raised his head roughly.

“ _Yes_.”

There was a pause.

“Yes,” he repeated. “There is something unfinished and I must also say that you occupy a strange place in my life, even if we are not the same people we once met, _I fear that you will always represent that something that could never be._ ”

He affirmed it. Jongwoon had left him behind and had no intention of trying something as he would have wanted until a couple of years ago.

He swore to hear his heart breaking as it fell at his feet. _No_. It could not be. He could not leave him behind. Without him, _he would die._

“What would happen,” he mused fearfully, “if this never stops dying?”

“I suppose at some point it will.”

“And what if I do not want it to end?”

“I have a life away from you now. I did expect to spend at least a brief moment of my life with you, but I'm afraid it's _too late_ for that,” he paused and Kyuhyun could see Jongwoon pass on saliva, nervous. “There's someone... someone who has told me that he likes me and I'm thinking about giving him a chance. Accept what I say: let's give ourselves the opportunity to get to know each other again and maintain a friendship.”

Now he had sworn to feel Jongwoon put his foot on his heart previously collapsed on the floor, trampling it in the most cruel way. Still he managed to gather the words and let them out of his mouth, painful.

“I want to do it, but what happens if I like you again in the process?”

“Well, that's a story yet to be told.”

Jongwoon was one of those people who become _everything and nothing._  In his life, he had come to teach him many things without having become something, it was a kind of asymptotic love: _always too close, but never enough_.

Why the things that were not meant to be, were the most presented in life?

Why are things that will disappear so beautiful?

 _Almost_. That was the only name he could give to their relationship. Not courtship, not friendship, not everything, not nothing. Almost... _the saddest word in the world._

The most fucked up thing the universe can do to a person is to send the love of their life at the wrong time. And Kyuhyun knew it.

After having spoken and said goodbye against his will and in the saddest way (with Jongwoon asking for a hug and giving Kyuhyun a simple and innocent kiss full of pain and nostalgia on the cheek), they both left, with the promise to make their friendship work between their fingers.

Kyuhyun had come directly with Ryeowook, seeking refuge with his little hyung, after all, nobody knew the situation better than him, since he had acted as an intermediary and spectator in the front row thanks to their subgroup KRY.

Ryeowook had been waiting for him with a drink at the kitchen counter, ready to hear the news, whether it was good or a tragedy. Kyuhyun did not even have to say a word after having put a foot in the apartment, his expression said everything and Ryeowook extended his arms inviting him to a comforting hug in which he let himself be wrapped and where he cried for hours.

“Do you know what the worst thing is?” He asked.

“Mmm?” Ryeowook mused, telling him he was listening, but not speaking because he knew Kyuhyun was talking more to himself than to him.

“ _I think we were meant to be, but we did it wrong._ ”

 

**Author's Note:**

> It's inspired in SuJu's song "Too late" and somehow in "Evanesce".  
> I hope you enjoyed it :)  
> Revised: 13•04•19


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